Remember Church Lady on SNL? Well, just switch the word Satan to
Soda. That’s how I felt the other night.
I had the worst dining experience Tuesday night when I met my
sister, Alicia, and her daughter, Trisha, at a halfway point on Beltway 8 to
pass over the sewing machine my daughter was giving to Trisha. We met at the Chili’s
grill & bar at the junction of the Beltway and the Fort Bend Toll Road. I
am giving you specific directional details because I want to help anyone I
know and/or don’t know avoid this place. If you do not heed my
warning you will be dining at your own risk. Or, maybe it will give you
something to write a snarky blog about.
Now, I am not going to disparage the place because it was a lame
mid week night. I am going to blast it because they seem to only stock items
that are the most common customer choices, which I understand because food
costs need to be kept below 30% of your expenses in order to make money. But
where the industry really makes money is the combination of good food, good
service and alcohol.
I ordered a gin and tonic. The waitress brought me gin and soda.
I sent it back. The second drink was brought exactly as the first was mixed - with soda. I sent it back. The bartender came
over and tried to tell me that it WAS tonic. It is the tonic they get from
their vendor and that is the brand they buy. I asked for the floor manager to
accompany me to the bar. I asked the bartender to make it in front of me. He
didn't pour the tonic from a bottle. He dispensed it from the gun unit that has
water, the common colas and soda. I pointed out the fact that he dispensed it
from the gun. THE MANAGER also tried to argue that it was tonic, not soda. He said they
have both hooked up. So then I dropped the devil in the details: Since I
patronize a bar, uh, every now and then, I have learned a little something about
bar set up. The individual hoses in those guns with the push buttons are
connected to lines that run through the walls and connect to huge boxes with
bladders (like the boxed wine you can buy) way back in a room near the kitchen.
This is not a walk-in cooler. Then I noted that tonic is water with Quinine in
it. It has a different carbonation process and IT REQUIRES REFRIGERATION. Those
boxes with the bladders of coke, diet coke and soda are stacked on shelves in a
room that is kept at room temp, because there are other items being stored in
that same room.
At this point the manager shuffles and asks if I want something
else since I didn't like their brand of tonic. (Was that a ding?) I repeated IT
IS NOT TONIC. I glanced at the bar and observed that the elevated shelf system
has an array of lovely bottles promising all manner of blends and flavors. What
choice to make? There were so many. I asked if he could make a Rusty Nail. The
bartender said yes and that he'd bring it right over. I cautiously waited to
see what Mr. splish-splash-makin-trash came up with. As I waited, the usual hamster
in the wheel in my head starts to turn. I could visualize him making a new
acquaintance at a party and the conversation going something like:
So what do you do for a living?
I am a Cocktail Chemist, Sultan of Shake, Cocktologist, Liquid
Savant, Maitre de Bar, Master Mixologist, Bar Chef, Drink Consultant, Spiritual
Advisor, Cocktail Specialist, Mixmaster, Barartist, Cocktail Chef, Liquid
Architect, Alchemist, Barmaster, Consultant Bartender, Liquidologist, Mixology
Master, Consultant of Bar, Liquid Libationist. Yeah. . . . . that’s the ticket.
. . .
Wow, where did you
study and work?
The Savoy in
London, and I was the sommelier for Butter in New York.
Butter?
Yeah….where Alex
Guarnaschelli is the Executive Chef. Yeah, you kind of have to run in my circle
to know these things.
I could see this dude making up all kinds of stuff. Good grief! He’s
working for Chili’s between Pearland and Missouri City. And he certainly didn’t study
anywhere. If he was trained, even at Chili's, someone did a terrible job. His only claim to experience was when he probably got drunk at the Hooter’s across from the BFE Junior
College.
My drink arrived - wrong. Wrong color, wrong taste and he added
SODA to it. Sigh, I was doomed to be haunted by soda for the evening. I asked
him if he knew what the recipe was..........uh, uh, uh......I said "equal
parts Drambuie and Scotch, and Chevis is the best Scotch to mix with, and there
IS NO SODA in it. Just bring me a Jack and Coke." As he walked away
I mumbled loud enough for Alicia and Trisha to hear, "Can't screw that up
too much. A jigger of Jack Daniels and some ice cubes and fill the rest of the
glass with Coke from the gun.....oh, wait......there is soda lurking in the
gun. He'll probably hit the wrong button." My Jack and Coke arrived very
pale in color. Jack is dark. Cola is dark. Why was it so pale? After
the third sip the gasoline started to burn. I think he put equal parts Jack and
Coke and topped it off with Everclear just to get back at me. I nearly gagged
on it. Now I am thinking that they only stock the average stuff their clientele
wants to drink and not bother to spend the money on other liquors. I bet those
gorgeous bottles were filled with colored water. At the rate my drinks were
going I would have been just as well off by ordering a water and Red Dye No. 40!
On top of that, food delivery was over 45 minutes and it was
awful. They screwed up Trisha's order and her drink. Alicia went tame and got a
burger. Our appetizer of skillet queso gave me the willies. We were expecting
what was cited on the menu as a warm queso dip with taco seasoned ground beef
served in a hot, miniature skillet. Give me a break! It was Hormel chili out of
a can......... The kind of chili that will give Boy Scouts the runs on a camping trip,
and if there was cheese in it, this cheese hound couldn't sniff it out.
However, I did leave my waiter and waitress a decent tip. I
could not fault them for bad management or an untrained bartender. On top of
that, it was the waiter’s first day and the waitress’s second day. I did note
that Manager-Dude was tending to the waitress he was training, fluttering
around her like a butterfly drawn to a flower, but First-Day-Waiter-Boy was
left on his own. Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
