I can’t wait until I am old enough to say just about anything and get away with it. Case in point was one of the office angels [volunteers in the church office] working the desk at my former place of employment. She got a little miffed when the new minister’s wife took over the prayer chain calls. It had been her service to her church for ages until the new preacher arrived. She was one of those silver haired Southern women who was prim and proper. . . until this happened. While answering the phones for me one day, she made the remark, “Well, I’m not too keen on the new preacher, and his wife is a pasty faced horned toad.” Whew! I wasn’t expecting that. Then there was the office angel who dropped something, and a clearly uttered, Southern-drawled “Oh Shit” rolled off her tongue. It had that two syllable pronunciation we are so well known for - shee-it - the voice is higher on the first syllable and drops a tone on the second.
These memories came back to me the other day while visiting my mother in the nursing facility. There was a new lady walking in to the dining room for lunch. She chose a chair and started to sit down. A table-mate very loudly said, “That’s Jim’s chair. You can’t sit there. He calls Bingo from that chair. It’s Jim’s chair!” She shuffled off to another table, asked if a seat was assigned to someone and was invited to sit down. The three women sat at the table quietly for a moment, then one long-time resident leaned over to the newcomer and said, “Did you poop?” She responded with a no. “You pooped. You smell like you pooped!” The newcomer vehemently denied the accusation, but got up from her chair and left the room in a hurry. I don’t know if she was embarrassed or if business did, indeed, need to be addressed. No sooner had she cleared the room, her accuser announced, “She went to her room because she pooped!” She had this distinct emphasis she put on the word poop. It actually sounded like she took delight in the announcement. It was downright comical.
I told my daughter my fears of getting old. You know how some people grow old gracefully and some don’t. I am afraid I will be the one the grandchildren will be arguing over “It’s your turn to take grandma shopping. I did it last time.” or I’ll be the one saying over and over, “What time is it? I want a jelly donut.” [from an old Saturday Night Live sketch] I told my daughter I wanted to go out early before I could be a burden. I said I was going to take up eating red meat three times a day, drinking, smoking, and cussing. She admonished me, “Now mom, you already drink and cuss.” I retorted back, “Well I’m going to do everything else!”
