The End of a Long Week

A while back it seemed life was bent on tripping me up. Nothing was going right. My dogs were misbehaving. I thought I was losing my mind or falling prey to Alzheimer’s. I was even afraid I was losing my sense of humor. I used to be considered one of the funniest people you could know. In fact, my eulogy at my funeral is going to be five words long. “Damn, that woman was funny.” I will be honest and say that my humor wasn't quite dead.  Every now and then, something pops into my head. With that in mind, let’s talk about my idiot dog, Bella.

Bella is a Rottweiler I have had for about eight or nine years. She has no clue she is a Rottweiler. My ex and I were away from the house one day and returned home to discover that the lawn tractor and all our yard tools had been stolen. Bella had free reign of the back yard and the garage. We scratched our heads in wonder. It didn’t appear she was frantic about anything and she barks her fool head off at the sound of just about everything. Surely she wouldn’t let total strangers in the yard? About four hours later, Ramon’s youngest son, John, called. He said, “Hey, I borrowed your mower and stuff.” We asked how he got past the dog. “Easy,” he said, “we talked to her over the fence. Told her she was a pretty girl and asked if she was friendly. She wiggled her butt, and we put one of the kids over the fence to pet her.” [I was horrified that they put a child over a fence with a strange dog.] Once distracted with someone to lick, Bella was happy. And she probably showed them where the key to the tractor was.

The week prior to this blog story was an ‘if it can go wrong it will’ week. Bella’s tummy rejected dinner Wednesday night. Then it rejected breakfast Thursday morning, this time there was blood showing in the offering she placed at my feet. I called the vet. The vet actually asked me if I could [I’ll put this delicately] transport some of the rejected stomach content. So I scooped up the dog towel I mopped with and threw it in a garbage bag. Knowing this vet trip would make me late for work, I called in the situation to the office, got the leashes out and hooked her up. Yes, I said leashes plural. I run one around my waist to link to her and have one I control with my hand. This madness is based on the fact that I am a pianist. Bella could snap an arm or a wrist if she got carried away. My thought with the waist leash is that my whole body weight would help hold her back. If nothing else, once my body hits the ground, there is the possibility that I might be able to wrap myself around a tree to stop her. At any rate, we are a sight going anywhere. Plus, picture in your mind how short I am and how big this dog is. Everyone stares.

Speaking of big is where this story is going. After the Thursday trip to the vet, where Bella got a couple of shots, I had weekend plans she seemed intent on destroying. She had either an allergic reaction to one of the shots, or she was stung by a wasp when I put her out at noon on Friday. While I was on the road, she managed to chew and lick her hip until there was no hair on a 3.5 inch area and tore her flesh until it was raw like hamburger. Back to the vet.  After treating it with medicine, Dr. Amy said I had to keep Bella from licking it. Since the clinic didn’t have a cone of shame large enough for Bella’s neck, I spent the first two nights connected to this dog with a leash so I could tug her head away from her hip. Neither one of us slept well.

Sunday afternoon, the vet tech called my cell phone and said they located a cone. I picked it up and we buckled Bella into it. This cone was so large I had to fold it for her to go out the door. She was literally scraping the paint and plaster off my walls as she navigated the house. And I think she banged it on the bars of my brass bed about 80 times a night to let me know how much she hated it. In the picture you can see my other two mutts hanging their heads as if to say, "Uh, we didn't do anything. Please don't make us wear one of those fashion statements."

I leave you with the comments from my friends on facebook:
How many channels can she get with that?
Holy Cow! Did you get a permit from NASA for that satellite?
How’s the reception for Russian radio?
That’s one big cone of shame.
Latest technology in satellite dishes – moves room to room with you.
Can I borrow her? Our network is down.
Geez that thing is huge! But Bella’s huge!
Bella to Mars. . . better be watching for those green people.

LOL I feel sorry for Bella, but, I’ve had my laughs for today for certain.

Bisbee, Arizona

Just a couple of miles north of the Mexican border, perched on the rocky outcrops of the Mule Mountains in Cochise County you will find Bisbee, Arizona. Copper, gold and silver were mined there from 1880 to the 1970’s. When the mine closed in the seventies, the city was virtually abandoned. However, there were some residents who NEVER left. . . .more on that later. A couple of years rocked along and hippies from the sixties and early seventies gravitated to the place. City officials didn’t seem to mind these folks who made Bisbee home and a haven to smoke pot and hang out. The new residents actually helped clean up the place and put a stop to graffiti. Soon artists of all genres were drawn to the town. Once it turned into an artist colony type of place, tourists started picking up on it. Housing went from practically free if they had squatted on the property long enough, or dirt cheap at one hundred dollars for a house, to exorbitant prices for a shack hanging off a hill. Our handsome-cowboy-bus-driving-tour-guide told us the city went from being “the mile high city that cared” to “the city so high it had no cares.”

It’s a quaint and charming town with some streets so narrow and winding you cannot navigate a vehicle down them, or up them as the case may be. Walking or cycling are a few of the options. It was also interesting to note that the access from the street to houses on the second and third level of the mountainside was via stairs – yes, stairs – sometimes as much as 60 – 70 steps straight up! Can you imagine doing that trek with a load of groceries? Every October they host an event called The Bisbee 1000 Stair Climb. It is a five kilometer run through Bisbee that goes up and down 1,034 stairs. Billed as "The most unique physical fitness challenge in the USA!" by the organizers, it includes being serenaded by musicians at various locations across the city of stairs. The event has grown to include the Ice Man Competition, designed to honor the history of men delivering blocks of ice by hand before the advent of refrigeration. In the Ice Man Competition, entrants race up 155 steps carrying a ten-pound block of ice with antique ice tongs. It helps raise money to renovate the stair systems of the city crumbling as they age. People from all over the world come to this event to compete. With a bed and breakfast on every other corner and several vintage hotels, the visitors get to experience how life was back in the day. They also have a chance to meet the locals – and those OTHER residents . . . more on that later.

My trip to Arizona had the usual agenda of cool places to eat, things to see and do with best friend Sue and a trip to Tombstone and Bisbee. Tombstone, by all accounts of the tourist industry, is supposed to be fun, historical and interesting. Let me tell you, Tombstone is a wart on the hind quarters of a hog compared to Bisbee. Bisbee had the first public golf course in the country. Yes, you read correctly. It also had the first professional baseball field. Yup, again, correct. Lil’ old Bisbee’s Warren Field predates Chicago’s Wrigley Field by almost five years, and it boasts that it is the oldest baseball field in continuous use today. And some of those spectators from 1909 are still hanging  around today . . . more on that later.

Our hotel of choice was the Bisbee Grand. It was constructed in 1906 and restored in 1986 in the Old West Victorian style. I have created a photo album on my Facebook account for those interested in checking it out. We had to check in at the bar.  I thought that was very appropriate for the old west and made a mental note that Sue and I needed to plant ourselves at that bar sometime later that evening. We were given keys to the front door and to our rooms. The clerk informed us the front door was locked at a certain hour in the evening, but our keys would allow us to come and go as we pleased. When one enters the front door of the Bisbee Grand Hotel, you walk straight up the grand staircase to the second floor. A lovely landing wraps around the stairwell and hallways break away to the different suites and rooms. Now, let me confess that I didn’t have time to surf the web and read up on everything about Bisbee. Our attendant led us to Sue’s room first. We entered, and his first words were, “This room gets a lot of activity.” ACTIVITY? WHAT KIND OF ACTIVITY?  They have a ghost. Wait, let me correct that. They have two ghosts – one upstairs and one downstairs. The lady upstairs, he said, is harmless – all she does is check on you. My brain made a mental snort and said, “Yeah, right.” (I attended a mini-convention in Jefferson, Texas and stayed in what was supposed to be a very haunted hotel.  Not a one of us in the group saw anything.) Next we made our way down the hall to my room, which was perched over the bar. Sue’s room was very Victorian and cute. My room was called the Hunter’s Room, with a hunting theme décor. It was also pretty neat. We spent the rest of the day with Sue’s friend who gave us a private tour of the area. We did some snooping around in the shops and bar hopped a bit.

At some point we decided to call it a night. I watched some late night TV. The band downstairs rocked out until way past eleven. I turned off the TV the minute the band shut down, even though the occupants of the bar were still quite rowdy. Jimmy Fallon was talking about a comedian coming on after the commercial break as I was pressing the off button. I rolled over and flipped the covers up over my shoulders, telling myself to ignore the noise from downstairs. When the bed depressed at the location of my calf on the mattress my instant thought was that something fell off the ceiling onto the bed or a critter had jumped up on the bed. I immediately started to roll over to turn on the lamp and the bed depressed with a heavier impression at my hip level with two smaller depressions landing on either side of my head. In the instant it took to roll over, someone sat beside me and leaned over me to look me in the face. It was a dark enough image to block the light streaming through the lace curtains of the transom over the door with longish hair hanging down. Noise gurgled in my throat. I was frozen for that split second before a groan of a scream came out of my throat. It was gone as fast as it came. I hit the lights. Turned on the TV and Jimmy Fallon’s comedian was starting his bit. It was that fast. I was not asleep and dreaming. I called Sue. No answer. I bolted down the hall to her room as I called the bar downstairs. I frantically asked them if there was ever any report of ‘activity’ in my room above the noisy bar. The answer: 'Honey, there’s activity in every room. Did she visit you? Come on down to the bar if you need to relax.' I hauled Sue down to the bar and got a gin and tonic. Once for each hand. The bartender told me they don’t close up alone because the male ghost downstairs is a prankster who likes to turn on the beer taps when they’re not looking and lets the beer spill over the clean floor. He also likes to enter the ladies’ restroom and bang on the garbage can.

I spent the rest of the night with the television blaring and every light on. The next morning I was in a shop and the shop owner asked where I was staying. After I mentioned The Grand we discussed the ghost situation. I bought a book about the haunted places in Arizona. I read that all the hotels and bed and breakfasts in Bisbee have house 'residents' who cannot be explained.  It is a town well noted for its non-paying-continuously-staying guests.

I can still feel the sensation of it weeks after it happened.
It was a very cool place to visit.
ONCE.

Adventures in Baking

Let me preface this story with an explanation. I take mother out to dinner several nights a week just to get us out of the house. It helps to socialize her and, after a tough day at work, it takes the chore of cooking and cleaning off my hands. Since the average restaurant is too noisy for me to deal with mother, I searched for a place that offered less noise and less public exposure of how I have to deal with a person in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's while at the dinner table. I discovered that the bar at our local Outback is much quieter than most places we patronized over the past three years. We sit on the side farthest from the main dining room and have somehow managed to become the occupants of the same table each time we visit - the last booth at the end of the bar by the restroom hall.

Remember the TV show Cheers? Well, that place exists right in my own back yard! The young people tending the bar and the wait staff in the bar section introduce themselves to everyone who enters and asks for their name. The servers create a white paper tent and write their names on one side and the patron's name on the other. The card is stood up on the bar in front of the guest with the employee's name facing the guest and the guest's name facing the other occupants of the bar. They do this for everyone. They chat with each individual and make everyone feel like they have known them for years. There is a running joke about being the 'bar wife' or 'bar husband' of regular patrons. They rib them when they hear a regular has patronized another establishment. It is a very cozy environment. For a long time I enjoyed observing the camaraderie from our little booth with just a tinge of jealousy. Dinner conversation with mother is, to say the least, nil. I never expected these delightful young people to include some old lady and her mother into their 'bar' world.

However, it wasn't long before we merged into the fold. First, they had to learn our routine. I don't know how many times I had to tell them not to bring bread to the table. Mother's little hands would snake out and snatch it before I could ward them off. I am sorry to say that we are high demand, high maintenance customers. "No bread. Don't let her touch the silverware. Don't put her drink in front of her. Take the table tents away. Put her food on a cold plate. Bring an extra plate for me to put her food on. Don't refill her glass or you'll get to change her diaper. Put that on the other end of the table. Don't cook our steak until she has completely finished her salad. No croutons on her salad." Sigh. You see my routine. Dining out with mother is complicated and not a lot of fun, but staying home and washing dishes is even less so. If I were to write our needs down on paper for each new waiter I'd have to carry what would be tantamount to the Dead Sea Scrolls. I can't imagine what the staff said about me back in the kitchen or break room.

After a while they memorized our needs and ordering our meal went from being an ordeal with a series of demands and reminders about what not to bring to our table to a smooth, seamless dining event. (If anything can be considered smooth and seamless with mom.) With less detail to remember and worry about, all I needed to do was pick which meal: A - 10 oz rib eye, B - plain chicken, or C - the salmon. I no longer had to tell them what kind of dressing for mother's salad, and her tea arrived in a child's cup with a lid on it every time.

So now you know why we can be found in a bar several nights a week. But, even though I do not want to be home cooking every evening, I miss tinkering around in the kitchen. I decided I would get in the kitchen on weekends and do some practice cooking for the upcoming holidays. My only dilemma was what to do with the food. I needed to find a way to get rid of food that mother certainly couldn't have and, truth be told, I should also not be eating. With no plans of big family dinners at my house, what was I to do with all the stuff I had in my mind to make? Ah hah! I had an epiphany! Broke college kids tending bar will eat anything!

My first efforts at beer batter bread a couple of years ago were okay. I didn't like the consistency and was looking for something more in the way of a holiday type of bread with different flavors, so I began the experiment anew. The first two loaves had the weight of a missile. The dogs watched in anguish as I chunked them in the trash. After pages of notes and modifications, refer to photo above, the next two efforts were edible, not moist enough for my end goal, but I took them to the bar and asked the gang for their input. The kids at the restaurant slathered the loaves with butter and wolfed the bread down like it was a tasty morsel indeed. Proof they'll eat anything. After a few weeks of polishing on the recipe, I hit success. I knew it must have been good when the bartenders started hiding the pans below the counter out of sight of the other waiters. I would arrive with a bag in hand and the words 'bread's here' would pass from one waiter to the next. We had running discussions on which flavors they liked while I worked on my hand written notes prior to the arrival of our meal. They kept up with my progress like they had a vested interest in this study. Oh, yeah, they did - they were hungry! Homemade bread trumps McD's dollar burger any day. I'd walk in and be asked by total strangers, "Are you the lady who made the awesome bread?" I had gained a reputation that needed to be lived up to.

Cookies were next to conquer. I wanted something easy without 37 ingredients that required spending most of my time measuring and mixing. I Googled a few recipe ideas, but decided to launch out on my own. I mean, how wrong can one go with this? Every other cookie recipe seemed to have the same basic ingredients, just too many steps for me. Most called for the same cook time and temp, and almost every recipe called for dropping the dough on an UN-GREASED baking sheet. Guess what I learned? WRONG WRONG WRONG. Don't believe some cooking diva's directions. They must have rabid badgers cleaning their kitchens behind them after the show. I scraped 24 cookies off three pans with the sharpest knife I could find. Wasn't working. I ended up soaking the pans, cookies and all, in water until they could be removed. Does anyone know what wet bread dough in the bottom of the kitchen sink feels like? Ick! I pulled out the parchment paper and started over.

My local grocery store put cake mixes on sale one day, and I had a stroke of genius hit. Cake mix has flour, salt, baking powder and flavoring already measured and mixed together. All one needed to add would be something to make it moist to bind it in dough form. I stacked the cart full of every flavor marked down. I spent the first afternoon making four dozen dark chocolate fudge cookies. The smell of warm chocolate cookies wafted in the door of Outback with my entrance. I melted the heart of every man in the bar. When the smell hit them they transformed before my very eyes from grizzled cowboys and weary businessmen into eight year old boys with the memories of days gone by in their mothers' kitchens.

A few nights later, one of the floor managers came to my table to check on us. He told me that he wanted to post a note in the break area to notify everyone he'd pull rank on them when the next batch of goodies were due for delivery, because the last batch of chocolate cookies disappeared in nothing flat. I assured him I brought plenty this time. I was informed I was incorrect - there would never be enough chocolate cookies coming from my kitchen. They all agreed I needed to keep practicing.

hhhhmmmmmmmm I wonder why?

Then I made the mistake of being bored one Saturday and decided to roll five pounds of hand made meatballs in my Italian sauce. Now that was a scent that made everyone in the bar turn when I walked in. I got so much attention newcomers looked around to see if Beyonce entered the room.
[For those of you who know what I look like - I HEARD THAT!]

The only downside to the situation is when I get a new waiter. "No bread, no tea, don't put that there, don't do this, don't do that. Here's a cookie." They look bewildered until a regular staffer can take them aside to explain that I am not just any demanding old battle axe. I am the demanding old battle axe that brings goodies.

Oh, one more thing. I forgot an important line in the bread recipe. Remember that the beer goes into the bread mix, not the bread mixer. Drink wine instead. Your product will turn out much better. At least, you'll think so . . .

Cheryl's Beer Batter Bread

large mixing bowl
very sturdy wooden or mixing spoon or paddle
2 ~ 8 x 3 7/8 aluminum loaf pans
Canola oil spray (or any non stick spray)
3 ~ cups regular flour
1 ~ cup sugar
1 & 1/2 ~ tsp salt
3 ~ tsp baking powder
1 ~ 12 oz bottle beer

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
In mixing bowl, whisk together all dry ingredients
Pour in full bottle of beer and mix with sturdy utensil until all dry ingredients are wet.
Batter will be heavy and sticky to handle.
Divide in half. Spray loaf pans just before you are ready to put batter in them.
Dampen your hands and smooth down batter in pan - wet hands will keep the batter from sticking to you.
Bake in oven for 45 minutes. Don't open the door. Don't be checking on it. Heat must stay consistent.

I melt a stick of real butter in a small sauce pan and pour some butter on the top to coat the top and sides. It's a dense loaf. The butter will make cutting easier, and it makes it richer.

For a less sweet version, cut sugar in half.

Flavor twists:
Pumpkin / 2 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice & 1 tsp cinnamon

Orange / Orange Shock Top beer & 1 Tbsp orange flavor emulsion or extract

Lemon / Orange Shock Top beer & 1 Tbsp lemon flavor emulsion or extract / 2 Tbsp poppy seeds if desired

Cinnamon Pecan / 1 cup chopped pecans & 1 Tbsp cinnamon

When adding to a recipe, always add dry ingredients to the dry ingredients and wet ingredients to wet mixture.

No Brainer Cookies

Cheryl's Twist on Cookies

Any boxed cake mix will do.
Heat oven to 350 degrees

In large bowl whisk together dry cake mix and 1/2 cup sugar.

In microwave bowl melt 1 stick butter or margarine for 20 seconds. Butter will not be completely melted. Add to butter 2 eggs and whisk together. Pour into dry cake mix and stir with a heavy duty utensil until all the dry ingredients are moist. It will be thick. Don't worry if there a few dry balls of cake mix. When they bake, the butter will hit them, and they will moisten.

Drop onto baking sheet lined with parchment paper by less than a teaspoon size ball. Leave about 1 inch space between the balls. They will spread out in baking process.

Bake for 13 minutes on the center rack of the oven. Do not bake on the lower rack. They will be puffy when removed from the oven but will drop in the cooling process. Let cool to touch. Cookies will be crunchy on outside with a gooey center. Makes at least 4 dozen.


Dark Chocolate Fudge - no modifications.

Red Velvet - add 1 Tbsp. butter flavoring OR almond extract. It makes for an interesting look and taste.

Pumpkin Spice - use a spice cake mix and add 1 Tbsp. pumpkin pie spice and 1 tsp. cinnamon

Lemon Poppy Seed - use lemon cake mix and add 1 Tbsp. lemon extract and 2 Tbsp. poppy seeds.

When adding ingredients, add dry ingredients to dry mix and wet ingredients to wet mix.

When adding wet ingredients you may have to add a minute or more to cook time.

Ah, Sweet Music

The long-awaited-highly-anticipated-easy-listening-album-of-the-year-that-you-didn’t-even-know-about is finally here! And no, I’m not talking about some well known artist making a greatest hits album, nor am I following an ‘up and coming’ musician that will start new waves in the music world. I’m talking about a personal music project I just completed to help the women of my church with their mission projects.

Back in the spring I was trying to think of ways I could do more for my church. I am so delighted with my new church family that I constantly want to give something back. With caring for my mother being a second full-time job, I don’t have the freedom to participate in church events, join small study groups or be part of the United Methodist Women. I am so astounded at what this small church is accomplishing, and every time I hear about a new mission the UMW is taking on, I am overwhelmed with the desire to help.

Well, I may be house-bound in the evenings and on weekends, but that doesn’t stop me from plucking around on a keyboard. So that’s what I decided to do. (Now you’re scratching your head and wondering where I am going with this.) I made several trips this summer to Fort Worth/Dallas for my visual issues. While there, I spent hours of fun in my son-in-law’s office plugged in to Mac’s Garage Band program. With Ryan’s help, I produced a little CD of easy listening piano music. I chose simple love ballads that were old favorites. I took children’s music from my years of teaching and dressed them up a little. I spared no expense on the production - I plied Ryan with his favorite foods at all his favorite restaurants. Oh, and I bought a sharpie marker from the dollar store! [Instead of printing a nice CD label, I scribbled my name on each one.] Yup, you guessed it, this was a cheap production. Ryan did the cover art and I did my own back cover. I dubbed several hundred copies and stacked them on a table at church. I made one for each household to take if they wanted one as my Christmas gift to them.

But, I told them there was a catch. Ah, yes, there’s that old “How’s that gonna help the UMW?” you might be asking. Well, if they LIKED the album and wanted to give one to a sister, a sweetheart, a mother, a secretary or the old grouch down the street who just needed to chill out - for a DONATION of $5.00 (per CD) I told them to take as many as they wanted and give the money to the UMW for their mission work. If they decided they DIDN’T like it – it was a free coaster! The first introduction at a UMW function netted over $100. We couldn’t believe it. I hope they fly out the door. What a gift to the UMW this would be if the project is successful.

A Little Bit Of Musical History
Back when I was singing with Wings of Eagles in the late 80’s and early 90’s we recorded two albums. Man, has technology really changed things. This piano album was a breeze compared to the old days of tape. Back then, if you made a mistake, it had to be redone in sections or as a whole. We didn’t have the ability to record each of the four voices and a piano and instruments on individual tracks. If one of us messed up, we all started over. I know we spent almost 15 hours on four songs in one day alone. Multiply that by the total on the album – you’ll get an idea of the exhaustion involved. But today, a single mistake can be corrected with the click of a mouse. I was like a kid in a candy store with the variety of sounds you can generate with the computer and a keyboard.

This was the first time in a very long time I have looked forward to something and felt a sense of accomplishment. It has put a new perspective on life that I thought I lost. I have allowed caring for my mother to dampen so much in my life, simply because I had to set aside so many activities that used my talents. When I first started caring for mother she would drop whatever she was doing to come into the room to listen to me play the piano or practice something I was scheduled to sing for church. Music meant so much to her before this recent stage of Alzheimer’s. Music was so important to mom she sacrificed so I could take piano lessons as a child. I remember her taking in ironing and sweating over the ironing board in a house without air conditioning – all because she loved music and the talent that was denied her manifested itself in me.

Now, she doesn’t even notice the music in the next room. It is just one more thing I thought we lost – until I took her to church one Sunday. I had actually chosen “Jesus Loves Me” for one of the hymns that day. All the other music brushed past her ears with no registration at all. We started the verse and her head turned toward me as I directed. When the chorus of “Yes, Jesus loves me” started, she began to mouth the words. A flicker of a smile lit her eyes each time we sang the chorus. I almost cried in front of everyone. It was the first time in a long while that showed music could still reach her.

Music is one of the most beautiful things of our world. Whether it helps provide a family with Christmas gifts and warm clothes through the UMW mission projects, or if it reaches out to tug at the heartstrings, rest assured that it will touch someone profoundly in ways you can never fathom. Of all the fancy arrangements I have played and sang, “Jesus Loves Me” will be the most poignant melody I will hold in my memory – for there was a fleeting glimpse of the mother I used to know in those few short moments in time.

Granny Speak

Granny Speak. It’s the term we use for mom’s language, which very few of us understand. As Alzheimer’s has progressed, mom’s ability to communicate has regressed. For the first few years, when she didn’t fully understand the conversation, she would respond to you with, “Whatever.” Now, there are very few words in her vocabulary. Her comprehension of most of what I say to her is extremely limited. There are a few, basic, phrases she understands.

“Mom, we’re going out to do that.” Means I am taking her to church, going to eat, or going to run errands. “I washed that up.” Means she did something. It does NOT mean she washed anything. If she puts a puzzle together, she washed it up. If she put her coat on, she washed it up. You get my drift.

So, with limited conversation, most dinners are quiet. The dining experience has become an exercise in keeping her hands away from something she shouldn’t have, keeping her from guzzling her tea, preventing her from bolting her food like a dog and keeping her from trying to dig in her teeth with a fork. Yeah, it’s no fun. It’s a lot like dining with a toddler.

With other people not knowing our situation, I find myself the object of stares and remarks. Let them look. Let them remark. They don’t know what’s going on. And I manage to let them know that they don’t know what is going on after they’ve made their remark. I found a nifty way to set folks right.

Case in point ~ The first time this happened, I was upset. Now I take endless delight in how I handle these situations. We were in a restaurant, and I did my usual routine of grabbing her napkin and removing the knife from the folds before I let her have the set. Then I moved the sugar and the other condiments out of her reach. I moved the table tent to the far corner. Her little hand snaked over to the container with the alternative sweeteners in it, and I told her No. She wanted her tea glass, and I told her No. She was not chewing her salad completely before stuffing the next bite in, and I told her No and took the dish away. As she finished each bite I let her have the dish back long enough to get a spoonful. This is now a habit. Let her have the dish. Drag it to my side of the table. Wait for her to finish that bite. Shove the dish back across the table. This goes on for the duration of the meal. You guessed it – I don’t eat a lot of hot food. While in this dining process, a lady sitting at the table to the right of my shoulder was observing us. After I fussed at mother for not chewing her food, mother protested that she ‘wanted that up there’ meaning she wanted the dish in front of her. Mother asked, “Why won’t you give me that up? I want that!” The lady observing the little tirade muttered loud enough to her companions, “That woman is being mean to that poor old lady.”

Needless to say, I fumed. Instead of turning to the lady to tell her I was dealing with the late stages of Alzheimer’s and that she should mind her own business, I decided to handle it another way. In the sweetest, syrupy voice I could muster, I said, “But mother, if I let you have this, your hair will turn green and you will start robbing banks again.” Not understanding a word I said, mother merely replied, “Well, okay. Whatever.” Nuff said.

On another occasion, I was out with my brother and his family for a dinner to celebrate a birthday. I pulled the van up to the restaurant door and told mother to get out and go with Steve into the restaurant. She didn’t understand what I was trying to get her to do. I got out of the car, walked around to her door, opened the door and indicated that she needed to get out. “Go with Steve, mom.” “No, no, no.” “Yes, get out of the car.” “No, no, no.” “You are going to go in with Steve while I park the car.” “Go with those people?” I had to raise my voice for her to pay attention to me. “Yes, mother, go.” “No, no, no.” Steve pleaded with her. His wife pleaded with her. Nothing was getting through to her. People on the sidewalk were watching the byplay. I finally raised my voice enough to get her attention and said, “Go with them.” and pointed at the family she no longer recognizes. “Get out? Why?” I shouted, “Because I’m selling you to pirates!” "Okay. Whatever."

One evening, mother was asking for another glass of tea. [I have learned that I need to limit the liquid intake, because there is a direct link to the liquid output. I carry a diaper bag with a change of clothes in it, but, if I can avoid the need to make those changes in a public restroom I will do everything possible to prevent it.] On this particular night mother was being very vocal about wanting more tea. I refused and steered her attention from the glass. She veered back to the glass saying, “Give me that up there. I want that.” Knowing the neighboring tables could hear us, I calmly said, “Mother, you will have to wait. I know you must be very thirsty after chasing all those cars today. And you almost caught that little blue Lotus, didn’t you?” Mother’s reply – “Yes.” I could hear one lady gasp in horror. I waited for Adult Protective Services to arrest me for letting my elderly person play in the traffic.

If you’re walking down the grocery isle and hear someone say, “Mother, if you’re good I’ll let you drive the M-1 Abrams tank to church” it’s just us.